Autopilot Error
“Humanity is the greatest threat to the continued
existence of life on the Blue Planet.”
Zach Alpert
Zachary Alpert, a patent hypocrite/activist, drives home his brand new, exhaust-emitting Volvo®, as though the threat of climate change is nonexistent. He pulls into his driveway with the sound of Grateful Dead music resonating from his car stereo. After shutting down the engine, he opens the door to his Santa Venetia home, takes off his Birkenstocks®, and comes in.
Earlier that night, Zach spoke at the annual Northern Californians Against Bad Foods symposium. With thoughts of the speech in his head, he turns on his Macintosh® computer. He types, "How to Practice Medicine without a License by use of Annoying Health Tips." Zach is, in the face of people call him an obnoxious health nag and medical wingnut, determined to change our eating habits. Through this he plans to save the Earth. A self-appointed environmentalist, former advisor on the Al Gore* presidential campaign and life coach, he is determined to prevent the bloated, worldwide consumption of carbohydrates.
Later on, Zach begins to relax. With wind chimes jingling in the background, he turns on his hot tub and disrobes. He cleverly designed the tub to resemble a Native American sweat lodge. Once the water reaches a vigorous 108° F, he carefully slides in. He senses the toxins flushing out from his body, as he enjoys World Beat music playing on the built-in stereo system.
Toweling off, he goes to the kitchen, and pours himself some soymilk. Sipping it and puffing on a joint, he reflects back on his days as chairperson of the Marin County Hippie-Come-Lately Pantloads.
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* Nobel Laureate, Oscar winner and former Vice-president of the United States, Al Gore did not invent the Internet. However, he did, perhaps more than any other politician, much promote it, once in the public domain. He intensified the worldwide debate about climate change. Even so, Gore has a "holistic, even mystical fervor," according to Arthur Schlesinger, Jr. This parallels with FDR's vice president, Henry Wallace, known for his weakness for gurus.
